How do you know if you are healed? Is it even possible to heal completely or do we just learn to deal with pain that never really goes away?
Often times I find myself questioning: Am I really healed this time?
Let me explain. Towards the end of 2017 I experienced one of the most painful moments in my life. My romantic relationship with my best friend of 6 years had ended with an ultimatum. Either I could accept that he was finished with the relationship and there was no more us or I could continue to have sex with him while he would see other people. Yes you read that right.
When he left I felt like I had nothing. I felt like I was nothing. My body was physically weak. I didn’t have an appetite for weeks, and could not focus at all. I remember leaving work one day to go talk to a Chaplain that was on emergency stand-by. I had lost my identity, I had no idea who I was.
Let me just say this. Please, never allow a person to have that much power and control over you. I put this person before myself. I invested in the relationship more than I ever invested in myself. This is so dangerous. A partner is not supposed to complete you, they are supposed to add to your wholeness. If you do not take the time to work on yourself and become whole on your own before a relationship you have no business entering one.
Fast forward, one of my main goals for 2018 was to heal. Not only from the relationship, but from wounds that were inflicted during my childhood and other parts of my life that I never learned to process. For a couple of months I was doing great. I was focusing on myself, going to therapy, reading tons of books, discovering new things about myself, doing some of my favorite activities alone, and spending more time with God. Then randomly, out of the blue I met a guy.
Now, I had already established that I was going to take the year off of dating seriously because I wanted to make sure I was completely healed. This was also important for me to do because I had been a serial dater since my teenage years. I’ve never been alone and hated the thought of it. This was something I knew I needed to change.
BUT he seemed to be so different from what I was used to. Someone into the church, a career that was taking off, older, and mature. After getting to know him with several interactions, I was like yeah, we are definitely getting married. My focus completely switched. I went from being the world’s number one self-love and healing advocate to trying to figure out when I was going to become the new guy’s girlfriend. And why not? Thoughts of my ex were completely erased out of my mind. I was over it, I was healed!
About 6 months in I grew unhappy. I wanted to begin an official relationship with this guy, but he told me that he wasn’t ready. We were doing all of the things you typically do in a relationship so I was confused. Feelings of hurt, sadness, and not feeling good enough started to haunt me, again.
One of my childhood friends had just gotten engaged. Everyone I started military boot camp with was now married with a family. I was surrounded by relationships that were blossoming. But what’s going on with me?
I made the mistake of going to my ex’s Instagram page and seeing pictures of him and his new girlfriend he’d been with since our break up. All of these things collectively had me down in the dumps. But why? What’s stopping me from being genuinely happy for these people? Why do I care that this boy has a girlfriend?
Let me walk you through it.
What I thought was God dropping my husband out of the sky was actually a test. When I look back I had almost spent a year with this guy I was only “talking” to. I went from having peace in seeking healing to experiencing hurt and sadness AGAIN. Why? Because I took my focus off of my original goal of healing. I became distracted so easily.
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When healing, be aware of what’s nourishing you and what’s distracting you
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So let’s fast forward to today. What’s different?
Well since you’ve asked, I am back to actively working on my healing process (without falling for any distractions this time):
- Writing has been an outlet for me since I was a child. I went back to what I always knew (Still reading too). If you are in a healing process, I highly recommend purchasing Love yourself, Heal your life workbook by Louise Hay.
- FORGIVENESS. I cannot heal without forgiving others and also myself. I’m still working on it, but I’ve came a long way.
- I am EXTRA picky about who and what I give my time and energy to. My main focus is MYSELF. I do things on my own terms (not to make anyone else happy).
- I am booked and busy! This way I have less time for unpleasant thoughts and negative impacts caused by being tied to social media daily.
- I am growing spiritually. I am back to church and bible study regularly and spending my time with God (If you are on this track I recommend reading Experiencing God by Henry & Richard Blackaby / Claude King).
I’m doing all of these great things to keep my head on straight and I can honestly feel myself growing mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. But in the back of my head I can’t help to wonder, am I healed completely? I still have random flashbacks, dreams that include past disappointments, and thoughts that creep up sometimes. Today, when these things happen I am not emotionally set off like I once was. I am able to recognize it and dismiss it right away.
Am I healed from my last relationship? Ehh. What I do know (now) is that I was already emotionally wounded before that relationship. My ex did not break my heart. It had been broken since I was a child by father. My ex simply helped me to become aware of the pain that I hadn’t healed from and carried my entire life. In order to heal completely, we must heal the source of the pain.
I am healing my source of pain. I hope that you are too.
*Pre-order my first self-published book, “To the Woman I Am Becoming” at thewomaniambecoming.com